Humor is one of the gifts God has given to us human beings to be able to cope with some of the most difficult situations of life. If we can at least see the humor in the most dire situation it makes it easier to bear one’s burdens and endure the firey trials of life. Many people feel like the comedian who said that if he did not have bad luck he would not have any luck at all.
Good, clean, wholesome humor can help lift one’s spirit out of depression. The Torah (Old Testament) says, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine…(Proverbs 17:22).
If people can see the logical absurdities in whatever situation and poke some good-natured humor at it, it helps to sort the wheat from the chaff, relieve the stress, and cope with life more effectively. This even includes dealing with the “judgmentalism” of some religious people and the deadly serious subject of hell on which a lot more heat (pun intended) than light is usually shed.
HELL AS EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet (can be found on various sites), which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionally as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
- If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls, and is therefore, extinct… leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God!”
This student received an A+
The late, great Christian writer, George MacDonald, the “master” of an even more famous Christian writer, the late C.S. Lewis, poked some fun at the doctrine of eternal hell and the necessity of infant baptism for entry into heaven. He told the obviously made-up story of a young couple whose infant was deathly sick in the middle of the night. He related that they got dressed and rushed their baby over to the parsonsage so he could be baptized, before it was eternally too late, so he could go to heaven if he died. Someone asked what happened. MacDonald replied that the parson got up but could not get his pants on quickly enough to do the baptism and the “little sinner” went to hell!
Can anyone even imagine anything so batantly absurd as people actually believing that the God of unconditional love and infinite mercy will condemn an infant to hell forever due to something so ridiculous as the parson not being able to get his pants on in time to save a baby from eternal damnation? Brave fire fighters, though sinful human beings, rush into burning buildings in order to rescue babies and adults from fire, but God, who is Holy, Just, and Righteous, will cast infants and adults into literal hell fire wherein He will torture them forever! What is wrong with this picture?
The late comedian, George Carlin, reared Roman Catholic but known for his irreverent humor, put the doctrine of eternal damnation in hell to the test of ridicule. He said that God will punish you in hell on and on… but He loves you!
As stated in Spiritual Terrorism: Spiritual Abuse from the Womb to the Tomb, if God tortures people in hell forever even though He loves them, what difference does it make? He might as well hate them! The result would be the same, but at least it would make sense as opposed to God torturing people forever whom He loves.
Is God a Christian?
Children are taught in Sunday Schools of Christian Churches that God commands them to obey all the rules and to pray for those who hurt them, to do good for them, to forgive them seventy times seventy (which means to forgive and keep on forgiving), and even to love their enemies! But God, they are also taught, will condemn all people who do not accept Christ and will cast them into hell wherein God will punish them in literal fire forever! God is thus the big hypocrite who says, “Do as I command you, but do not do as I do.”
The author, Allan Ernest Chevrier, who wrote Whatever Became of Melanie? said that he remembered reading about a Sunday school teacher who was teaching a class on the subject of “hell.” After awhile, a bright young girl apparently grasping the inherent contradiction, innocently blurted out, “I think that God should become a Christian.” This child insightfully understood what adults (including pastors, priests, and theologians) often do not seem to understand. How can God command people to practice a high standard of behavior which He does not even practice? Such a God is, therefore, a terrible role model for members of the Christian Faith! This can be both profoundly confusing and frightening for children as well as adults, who have analytical minds, to live the Christian life with this kind of God as an example!
Executions in the Name of God
Anderson Cooper, on 60 Minutes, April 5, 2009, interviewed a man who had been tortured in Iran and a woman activist who helps women victims. She said that when a woman is condemned and sentenced to death for adultery she is first buried leaving only her head sticking out of the ground. Then rocks are trucked in which have been selected with care by religious officials so that they are just the right size—not to big to kill quickly and not too small so as not to break the skull, but just right to inflict maximum pain and suffering and to prolong death! But, of course, the executions are carried out in the name of Allah/God, “Most Gracious, Most Merciful!”
Can Only Theologians Understand Theology?
As stated in Spiritual Terrorism: Spiritual Abuse from the Womb to the Tomb, theology is not rocket science, lay people can understand it. It has been said that if a million one-dollar bills were laid end-to-end they would reach around the world, but if a million theologians were laid end-to-end they would not reach a conclusion!
INNOVATIONS BY A YOUNG PRIEST
A young priest was assigned to a parish by the Bishop. He made various changes in the usual practices of parish priests one of which was to set up a drive-thru confessional. The results were great! He was hearing more confessions than any other priest in the diocese. The Bishop thought that his success was appealing but his methods were appalling, especially the sign to his drive-thru confessional. It read, “Toot’n Tell or Go to Hell!”
Subtle Forms of Spiritual Abuse
Chapter 10 in my book is, “Subtle Forms of Spiritual Abuse.” One common form of subtle spiritual abuse is for preachers (who believe that they are going to heaven) to preach, “When we get to heaven we will be surprised to see people there whom we did not expect to be there.” This can be comforting to the many people who have doubts about being good enough to make it into heaven. But what is given on the one hand is taken away on the other. Such preachers then proclaim, “But we will not see some people there whom we thought would be there!” This arouses the anxiety level of almost everyone since entry into heaven sounds very iffy.
The Rev., Dr., Billy Graham has been my favorite evangelist since I heard about grace in my twenties. He seemed to preach grace more clearly than any other Christian evangelist, but he always gave the invitation to come forward and accept Christ as one’s Savior before it is eternally too late. He also used the example above about not seeing some people there whom we thought would be there. That certainly raised doubts for me about my salvation. Dr. Graham is twice quoted (pp. 77 & 79) using this example in a book about his life and ministry, Ask Billy Graham: The World’s Best-Loved Preacher Answers Your Most Important Questions, compiled by Bill Adler (2007).
As I stated in my book, casting doubts about people’s salvation shows a lack of understanding of salvation by grace and reveals a judgmental attitude. Jesus said not to judge lest we be judged by the same standard (Mt. 7:1, 2). In my book, I shared the poem, “My Surprise,” to illustrate this truth. Since then, someone who read my book sent me, from the internet, this poem, “Judge Not,” which conveys the spiritual truth that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp:
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.’
‘And why’s everyone so quiet,
So somber — give me a clue.’
‘Hush, child,’ He said, ‘they’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d be seeing you.’
Four Worms in Church
(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol … Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke … Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup … Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil … Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service !!
Shirley and Marcy
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, So he probably wouldn’t notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy ‘s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’ Timmy nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’ The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’ ‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest ,’ Timmy replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy .’ ‘Shirley Goodnest ? Who is she and why is she following us? ‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘ Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’
Wrong For a Thousand Years!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying
the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot
to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. . . .
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R !
We missed the R!
We missed the R!”
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…”CELEBRATE!!!”
Long ago… on a chilly morn…
In Bethlehem, a babe was born.
Not in the inn, ’cause it was packed.
His birth was in the barn, out back.
A type and shadow was that place…
To give us hope wrapped up in grace.
A clue about his future plan…
That works for every single man.
If, in that barn full of manure…
The Christ-child made his first debut…
We SEE the pattern, there, my friend…
He CAN be born…within all MEN!!
Author Unkown, posted on Facebook
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’
The priest replied, my son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.’
The drunk muttered in response,
‘Well, I’ll be damned, ‘ Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
‘I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’
The drunk answered, ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read “Calls: $10,000 a minute.”
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in West Virginia , upon entering a church in Madison , West Virginia, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read, “Calls: 35 cents.”
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have seen told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?”
The pastor, smiling broadly, replied, “Son, you’re in West Virginia now. You’re in God’s Country…It’s a local call.”